I HATE YOU FOOD

It's been a hard couple days. I don't know why I keep to myself why I can't reach out when I need someone when I need help!!

Last night I watched extreme makeover weightloss and it encouraged me. I watched and thought I want to do something I enjoy something that's fun!! I want to dance. Even though I am not coordinated at all and I'm still so big I want to dance or Zumba or something. 

Then I think once again the scared feeling comes over me!! I think I wanna do this but can't!!!

What if I fail? 

It seems like when I'm doing so good there is something that gets in my way. Usually it's my head telling me you have been doing good so go ahead and slack off it's ok if u eat what you want. But I know it's not. So the question I keep asking myself over and over is why do I keep sabotaging myself. Why do I convince myself it's ok. Why is it so hard to ask for help to get me through these hard times. I guess it goes back to being judged. 

I had gastric bypass so I should eat perfect right.  It should be easy right. Well it's not. I'm do scared of failure. Not only failure after gastric bypass but failure in life. I know I have to get back on track. I know there's people out here to help but I'm scared I should know. 

I just do t wanna be that girl again who is physically unable to do anything. I just wanna believe myself. I'm tired of food being in control!!!

I hate u food!!!!

Why do u always tempt me and make me feel like such a failure. 

Will I ever learn to take back my life and for me to be in control and not that dam food!!! 

Please let me be in control of me today. I guess I will have to take it one day at a time and hope I have the strength to fight!!! 

Fight another day!!!!

3 YEARS AGO

I sometimes look back at my life and the things that have happen...
This blog will be past and present i may be all over the place but i think its very important because things sometimes come up that you say oh ya i Remember when.......

So Looking back 3 years ago i remember being in a really lonely dark place...
I had no one except my very loving son and boyfriend but even at times i never really let them in... But i do remember wishing and praying that god would take this pain away.
I had so much mental and even more physical pain... Now u have to understand being 5'4" and weighing over 500 pounds is torture and hell... but i will talk about that another time...

I remember 3 years ago on facebook hoping to find some friends.. not quite sure how i ended up in a weightloss challenge group but i did...
We were put into groups of 3 and i ended up with a guy and a girl named jennifer and let me say there was a instant connection! 
She became my best friend almost instantly. She understood me and would talk to me and for the first time in my life there was someone who accepted me for me. She made me feel like i mattered and i think for the first time i was truly happy having such an amazing friend.
I remembering being happy and smiling and i was so afraid i would somehow screw this up too like i have so many other things in my life!! But guess what almost 3 years later and she is still my best friend and more than that she is like my sister i never had... She accepts me for who i am didn't judge me for being that 560 pound sad girl and she still doesnt judge me at 397 pounds... 
I'm not sure if she knows how much of an impact she has had on my life .... she is the angel that came into my life and helped me understand that i was worth living and breathing and she wasnt gonna let me fall... but if i did she would help me up as we both laughed cause THAT SHIT WAS FUNNY!!!!
She has been my protector in a weird way... and i love her so much cause she never gave up on me when i wanted to so many times!! i know if i gave up she would punch me in the face!!! hahahaha she knows what i'm talking about...
I don't know if she will ever read this but if she does i just wanna say sis thank you for being such a important part of me realizing that i have so much to live for and that I AM WORTH IT!!! I thank you and your family for being there, even though we are literally across the country from each other u have never failed me and have always been there for me and for that i am truly grateful!! I just hope i have done for u half of what you have done for me...

Now understand there have been many in the last couple years who have helped me... but back when all i wanted to do is end it jen came into my life... and i could never ever repay her for her love and kindness!! I love you sis

WHO IS THIS GIRL

Who is this Girl?
Well my born name was Alicia, but about 2 years ago i decided it was time to put beautiful in from of that name. Why u ask because at that time i was feeling so low didn't think my life was worth anything and all i wanted to do is to feel beautiful....
So did that help?
Well i like to think so. slowly i truly believe it did it helped me see life through a new set of eyes. It helped me realize not everyone needs to be that perfect barbie doll that everyone hopes and wishes for...
WOW you say adding one word made that much of a difference and my answer is YES!!!
It did for me I have lived my whole life for everyone else.... What everyone else thought was beautiful that is what i was trying to be and while i was trying to be that i was killing myself with FOOD!!!
Ever since i was a little girl i was abused in one way or another and i learned from a early age NOBODY wanted me!!! 
When your a child to a teenager all you want is to be wanted and have friends.... Well i had one true friend (so i thought) and my BEST FRIEND
was FOOD!!! 
Never turned me away, never called me names, was always there when i needed someone....
BUT Now at the age of 40 am Learning MY friend for all these years wasn't my friend it was in a weird way my abuser!! I allowed it and now i am paying for all the years i allowed myself to be hurt by it!! After 40 years i realize i do matter and so i am learning to live a life From 
SUPER MORBID OBESITY (cause that's exactly what i was) to finding my NORMAL!!! If there is such thing as normal.... 
So i hope you will come along on this journey of finding who i really am and helping me answer the real question DO I MATTER AND DO I DESERVE TO CALL MYSELF MS BEAUTIFULALICIA???